prerequisites for having your first child.


You have mostly free time on your hands. Time you have absolutely nothing to do, and wish there was something to tie up most of your waking hours every single day. Boredom isn’t NEARLY as fun as a huge list of responsibilities that you’d be criminalized for if you ignored.

You have extra money and nothing to do with it. A LOT of extra money, that you wish you had a black hole in your wallet to consume this surplus of cash you’re sitting on.

You have no friends already, or a lot of friends that you spend time with and wish you didn’t. You don’t like them anymore and are ready to get rid of them. You need a valid, constant excuse for blowing them off/severing your friendships.

You don’t have anything to worry about. You wish you did have something to worry about, that way you’d feel like you had a purpose or feel important. Either way, you wish you worried A LOT more about something, constantly.

You enjoy your meals in their entirety from beginning to finish. This bothers you, because you enjoy making/eating your meals, savoring their fresh taste, without any interruptions, and you wish you had something to break it up so you could take longer to shovel in a bite here and there whilst tied up doing something else, that is perceived as more important than your meal.

It’s too quiet in your house. There is just too much time that is not filled with an audio soundtrack that makes many people want to jump off a cliff. You wish you had this soundtrack, you’d play it on repeat, every single day, with every single thing that you did. When this track was silenced, you would audio hallucinate that you heard this track, though it would be a figment of your imagination, haunting you, until the next time you heard it.

You don’t do enough laundry. You only have a couple loads per week, tops, and you love it so much you wish you could do twice as much. This includes folding/hanging up/putting up/buying detergent and fabric softener sheets.

You don’t do enough dishes. You wish you had several more containers to wash every time you do the dishes. More than that, you wish you had more intricate tiny dishes that have several pieces and parts that need a tiny dish brush that required you to hand wash up in, and if you don’t, the dishwasher will not get them clean for you.

You don’t generally clean your house enough. Everyone knows that the cleaner your house is the less you get sick. You keep it sparkling, and wish you had a reason to clean it more often, and more in-depth.

You don’t get sick enough. You only get sick with the sniffles about once a year, and this just won’t do. You enjoy being sick, and enjoy going through boxes of tissues and cold medicines, and wish you had more fevers and visits to the doctor. If only your immune system could just self-destruct.

Your life is too fun. You go on several adventures, hiking, skiing, camping, kayaking, traveling, eating out, wine tastings, museums, laser tag, picnics, vacations, clubbing, partying, dancing, singing, fishing, golfing, etc. etc. that all happens outside of the home, and you’re sick of it. You want to have all further adventures, at least for the next two years, inside of the home.

Lastly, and most importantly, You don’t have enough cuteness in your life. You swoon over puppies, or kitties, or other peoples’ babies in public places, and wish you had something that cute to look at on a regular basis. Your partner is cute to look at, but definitely not in the way a baby is.


About walkercadillac

Deconstructed Elegance. View all posts by walkercadillac

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